so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wish there were birth control emojis
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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