just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
