Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
