Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
