I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
