dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
