Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
