Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
