just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
