party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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