I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
