i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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