Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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