dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize