You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
