he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
