your parents love me but you hate me
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
