just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
