So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
