his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize