why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
