Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
