At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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