its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize