Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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