My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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