She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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