i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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