I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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