You can't motorboat a personality
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Panties = found
Randomize
