if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
