Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
