sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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