1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
