First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
