paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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