cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
