I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
