WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize