Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
