He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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