I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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