two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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