I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
