how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
