I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
