I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
