So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
