I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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