Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
