Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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