ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
