How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
