The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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