I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so that wasnt chicken after all
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
