Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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