Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
