I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
