Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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