im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
