Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
