forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
