i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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