On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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