im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
