i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You're like the curious george of whores
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
