Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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