Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
