shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
