You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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