my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
