she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I need a burrito and a hug.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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